The Worrisome Father

Those who know me, and as I've written before in past blog entries, know that I worry constantly. I can't help it. It's just part of the fiber that is my being. It's almost a disease in and of itself. I promised myself when Evan was born that I wouldn't unnecessarily worry about the things Evan does. Nor would I call the doctor at every little cough or sneeze. And, for the most part, I think I've done good at sticking to my promise. In the back of my mind, I always have these fears and thoughts that I try to keep at bay...things like cancer, autism, Asperger's, SIDS, etc. I try to not let it consume my thoughts, but sometimes I will observe certain things that Evan does that makes those worries surface.

For instance, last night, Evan did something he's never done before...an unusual behavior for him that he's never done before. Something so innocent and probably means nothing, but I couldn't help but worry about it. I recorded this video this morning... See for yourself:

He paced back and forth, from the carpet in the dining room, to the coffee table in the living room... He did the same exact thing last night. Did about 20 laps, then got pissed off when I picked him up and tried to direct his attention elsewhere. While to most veteran parents this may be nothing to worry about...I couldn't help myself. I mentioned it to Linda last night after Evan had gone to bed. She didn't seem too concerned by it, and explained that it was probably some new game he had discovered and a way to keep himself awake. This morning, when he did this again, I almost instantly Googled autism. Then OCD. While this certain behavior doesn't necessarily fit into those symptoms, I texted Linda this video. She responded back, "Call the doctor." Using her reaction as a basis of whether or not I should panic, I asked her if she was concerned too. She responded back, "Just call and ask." So I did.

Evan's pediatrician's nurse then called back a few minutes later...and I explained it. She reassured me that Evan was probably just exploring more and found something that kept him entertained. I explained to her that I worry, sometimes for no good reason, and the thought of autism popped in my head. She asked me if Evan makes eye contact? Yes. Does Evan snuggle? Yes, if he's in the right mood. Questions I found online also do not mirror an autism diagnosis - Does Evan know his name and responds? Yes, for the most part. Does he smile and laugh? Yes. Does Evan express his emotions (happiness, joy, wonder, frustration, anger)? Yes. Does Evan reach out to be picked up? Yes. Evan had his 9 month well-check appointment a few weeks ago, and his pediatrician was pleased with his development (as he has always been), and Evan seems to be reaching all the milestones on time. In fact, Evan is standing on his own now and probably will be walking soon.

I know I'm weird to worry about this, but this behavior seemed to be a bit neurotic to me. Is it normal? While I felt a bit better after talking to the nurse, the thoughts still linger in the back of my mind. It's just I want Evan to have the best chance at life...and I can't help but watch over him like a hawk. However, I'm not the type to sneak into his room at night and check to make sure he's breathing, or jump at every peep he makes when he's sleeping. But it doesn't help that I'm suffering a bit from cabin-fever (it's been another brutally cold, crappy and snowy winter here in Kansas City...) I don't want to be that parent that hovers over their child, I just want to be sure to protect him. I know there's nothing I can do if he were to develop any of these horrible afflictions kids sometimes get. I just pray we don't have to deal with these things.